Helpless
by Nara Merald
Summary: When Hana pushes Tohru away in the cemetery, unknowingly leading her to accept Kyo, her actions seem cruel. But even knowing she’s right, how does it feel to be Saki Hanajima? One word: Helpless. !Possible Spoilers!


**Helpless**

That night was painful for so many people. Not the first time, for me. My electric signals isolate me, of course. It is the nature of people to fear those who are different. But that was the first time I wished I was the same as everyone else. The first time I hurt someone I loved, because the electric signals told me it was the right thing to do. I feel like the monster they always said I was, something to be hidden away in shame, in a dark closet somewhere, not learning at school. For the first time, I feel like the mutant, the freak that they always called me.

I made Tohru cry.

She is strong, but she was exhausted, scared, hurt. And I made her face her demons without mercy. She begged me and I never relented. I still don't know what was so terrible, to cause her that much pain. That time, for the first time ever, I felt so _helpless_. Tohru means everything to me, and I couldn't help her stop hurting- I was the one hurting her. Uo still doesn't understand. She wouldn't speak to me for a week. She knows I had my reasons, but in her book, that doesn't excuse making our Tohru cry. Even knowing part of it was confusion, it hurt that we'd promised to stick together, and we were falling apart because of _my _cruel actions. They weren't thoughtless, they weren't intended to hurt, but they did nonetheless, and it is, will always be my burden to accept and remember.

My original impression, remembering back tothat night is of the Rain. It cascaded down, as if the clouds were crying, empathising with Tohru's suffering, empathising with the agony all participants were feeling that night. With Uo, Tohru, with which ever poor soul Tohru needed to help… hopefully not Prince Yuki or Kyo, and with me. I wondered then, and in the following days, if one could die from heartbreak. If so, I had been in danger then. It was painful to see someone as pure and selfless as Tohru brought low. It seemed wrong, as if the world had stopped spinning because I was not standing between Tohru and suffering, as I had vowed. The Heavens had been crying, shedding their tears to match the purity of Tohru's pain, and I, I felt ashamed to be caught in it.

Who was it, who required such strong empathy and attention? Who was it, that sent my electric signals screaming so loudly I could barely hear? Tohru… she was crying and I didn't even give her the time to adjust, all because they told me to. I fear one day, that they will tell me something awful- something unbearable. In my nightmares now, I fear the day when the signals will tell me to kill, and I will listen. I don't think I would kill anyone- I hope not. But I never imagined I would _choose_ to hurt Tohru. I never had nightmares before that night, now I wake up sobbing, my black pillow wet from my tears, and I know I deserve every one in return for those that Tohru shed.

And afterwards, Uo left me sobbing in the Cemetery, leaving to do some deep thinking of her own. I sat there for an hour, wondering if Tohru's mother would have understood. Tohru and her mother were the nicest, most understanding people I knew- I hoped somehow, she would forgive me, at least understand, from where she watched over Tohru. When I finally got home, Megumi was waiting at the door, aware of tonight's... wrongness... through his own gift.

"What happened?"

I couldn't even choke out a reply, except to continue my tears, sobbing my heart out as it continued to rain. It did not cleanse my guilt, it only washed away my veil as I saw myself for who I was, what I'd done. Megumi, his eyes full of understanding, let me cry out my pain, enough to haltingly tell my tale of woe. Megumi looked at me, saw everything I tried to keep hidden, then walked out of the room, to return with a mug of hot chocolate.  
The thing about my brother is, he won't tell me it's ok when it's not. He won't lie to make me feel better. He is wise, wise beyond his years.

"I don't think Tohru would hold it against you." Megumi suddenly breaks his silence.  
"Perhaps. But I caused her so much pain… she was so brave to bear her burden alone, and I…" My voice breaks and I do not finish my sentence.  
"Do not over estimate your actions, and do not under estimate her strength." Megumi chides gently, and for a moment, I have to smile. These moments are why I come to him.

"So what should I do?" I ask quietly, not afraid to seek out his advice.  
"You wait. When Tohru-chan forgives you, Uo will come around too. She may not understand, but she will accept your actions, because she trusts Tohru's judgement." He smiles, but the smile is empty of real happiness. It is a smile meant to comfort, and that is the only warmth in it.  
And so that is what I will do. I know in my heart that I could never have done anything but wait for Tohru's forgiveness. Even if it takes until I am old and bent, even if it takes forever… I will wait.

This then, is what it means to be truly helpless.


End file.
